FROM BUCKINGHAM TO BEDROCK

- Burrell discovers he’s a page right out of history

The hit BBC show ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ is making a comeback on our screens later this month with a massive shock in store for its first celebrity guest, royal butler Paul Burrell.

The show, which takes celebrities on a DNA journey through their past, has been commissioned for another series by the BBC. In the premier episode, Burrell is taken to a highly respected Genealogist and is initially delighted to discover that his closest family members come from a long line of prestigious butlers. However, his great joy turns to obvious dismay when he traces his family tree back a few more million years – and discovers that he comes from nothing more than a common race of cavemen living in the Nantwich area.

“Paul went as white as a sheet and demanded filming be stopped immediately,” says assistant producer Timothy Turrd. “When he learned he was related to butlererering luminaries that served the likes of King George I, he was understandably very proud indeed.”

Sadly, things went downhill from that point when Burrell traced his ancestry back to the year 3million BC. “His blue-blood froze when he followed his DNA path back to the time when dinosaurs ruled the land,” explains Turrd. “He was shocked to discover that there were no butlers around at the time, and his bloodline actually stems from a big, hairy caveman who probably picked his arse. Most likely, he probably also spent his entire day picking the scum out from under the hood of his bell-end.”

Burrell’s day then goes from bad to worse when the leading DNA professor warns him that there probably won’t be any need for butlers in the future either. He boldly predicts that we’ll all be served by robots with drinks machines in their chests and bowls of peanuts zipping out of their mechanical stomachs on command, leaving professional butlers like Burrell out of work and effectively extinct.

Burrell isn’t the only famous face to be hit with a shock this series, as it’s also revealed that Gary Neville is descendant from a species of ugly, brainless stickleback fish.

SUPER… FANNY?

Supernanny Jo Frost last night strenuously denied that she is 80s’ porn legend Ron Jeremy. The move comes after Oxford professor Cornelius Jones remarked in The Daily Telegraph that they look strikingly similar and are never seen in the same room as each other at the same time.

“I would like to categorically state that I have not, and never will star in such films as Orgazmo, Jail Babes and Slam My Dirty Shit Hole,” reads Frost’s statement. “The very notion that I’m an overweight 56-year-old Jewish pornographer that pleasures up to 100 women a week with my ten-inch penis is utterly unasseptable.”

The statement follows The Apprentice’s Lorraine Tighe’s move yesterday, when she published a press release denying she is actually the BBC’s political editor Nick Robinson.

CONTAMINATION STREET

The cast of Coronation Street will bid a fond farewell to fellow actress Blanche Hunt on Monday. Cast and crew are gathering outside The Rovers Return to say farewell to Blanche and wish her well as she embarks on her new career as alethal virus.

Blanche – played by Maggie Jones – has accepted a new position abroad as a rogue strain of the H1N1 strand of influenza, and will play the part from next Saturday evening onward. Re-branded as ‘Blanche-ular fever’, Maggie is hoping to start small and develop her new act in deepest-darkest Africa, before multiplying herself tenfold in a matter of seconds and spreading herself throughout a local ancient and forgotten tribe. She hopes to be a worldwide sensation by 2012 – when she hopes to be declared pandemic – and will decimate a third of the global population, blinding all newborn children in Eastern Europe.

“Maggie’s really excited about the project,” says agent Barclay Bottom. “She’s really hoping to bring Blanche’s legendary acid tongue and mischief to the ailment market with this new endeavour. Keep an eye out for such playful traits including being boiling hot on the outside but really cold on the inside, and staying on the toilet for at least 2 hours a day.”

Maggie’s hopes of dominating the worldwide plague market could be short lived however, with reports surfacing that Barbara Windsor is set to leave Eastenders in July and set up her own disease based on the popular AIDS virus.